Thursday, September 1, 2016

Poluista ja verkostoista / On paths and networks


Olen törmännyt lähiaikoina moniin erilaisiin verkostoitumista käsitteleviin teksteihin ja puheisiin. Tiedättehän: mene ja verkostoidu rohkeasti, ties mitä uusista tuttavuuksista syntyy. Taidoilla tai kokemuksella ei ole niin väliä, kun tuntee oikeat ihmiset. Ole osa jotakin itseäsi enempää. Yhdessä olemme enemmän. Mitä näitä nyt on. Välillä iskee ahdistus: minä en ole kovinkaan verkostoitunut ihminen. Viihdyn omissa oloissani ja pidän huonosti yhteyttä jopa minulle todella rakkaisiin. En ole haalinut some-kontakteja enkä osaa hyödyntää uusia tai  vanhojakaan tuttavuuksia jonkun uuden ja paremman toivossa. En oikein edes kehtaa kysyä hyvältä ystävältä apua, vaikka sitä tarvitsisin.

Joskus ajattelen pitäväni maailmaa käsivarren päässä. Tarkkailen etäältä ja puuhailen omien pikkuprojektieni parissa jakamatta tietojani tai taitojani mihinkään tai kenellekään, vaivihkaa ajatellen, ettei minun puuhasteluillani voi olla arvoa kenellekään muille kuin minulle. Olen harrastelija asiassa kuin asiassa, en asiantuntija oikein missään. Työhistoriani on niin sekava ja omituinen, etten pidä itseäni ammattitaitoisena oikein millään alalla. Joka kerta kun saan työpaikan, olen ihmeissäni: miksi kukaan haluaa palkata minut? Havahduin asiaan taas kerran pari päivää sitten: oikoluin pyynnöstä työkaverin kiinnostavaa koulutehtävää, ja saatuani homman päätökseen ja tehtyäni pari ehdotelmaa, työkaveri kertoi painavin sanankääntein arvostavansa mielipidettäni ja asiaosaamistani. Ensin kursailin ja punastelin, sitten ryhdistäydyin: kyllähän minä osaan kaikenlaista. Osaan paljon, ja hyvin osaankin. En vain aina tiedä, mitä osaamisellani ja itselläni tekisin.

Olen vellonut pari viime vuotta jos jonkinmoisessa kiinnekohtiin ja suunnan hakemisiin liittyvissä käymistiloissa. Millainen olen, minne olen menossa, mitä haluan elämälläni tehdä. Täytän vajaan kahden vuoden päästä neljäkymmentä, ja useimmiten koen olevani ihan pihalla kaikesta. Sitten lohdutan itseäni sillä, että oikeasti melkein kaikki muutkin ovat ihan yhtä pihalla. Anna kenelle tahansa nelikymppiselle pari lasia viiniä, ja voilá: alkaa keskustelu taaksejätetyistä mahdollisuuksista, rakkaudesta, elämän suurista kysymyksistä: mitä halusin joskus olla, mitä minusta tulikaan, mihin vielä pystyn, jos päätän. Vaikka koenkin usein maailman suhteen loputonta ulkopuolisuuden tunnetta, on hetkiä, jolloin tiedän, etten ole yksin: viimeksi viime lauantaina istuessani iltaa yläaste- ja lukioajan ystävieni kanssa, vuosien tauon jälkeen. Kaikille meille on sattunut kaikenlaista vuosien varrella. Osa asioista on mennyt juuri niinkuin suunniteltiin, osa taas ihan erilailla. Siinä sitä istuttiin, puhuttiin elämästä. Jokaisella oma onnensa ja murheensa, taakkansa ja polkunsa.


Pidän pienistä kohtaamisista. Siivouspäivän viimeisinä hetkinä kuljin Ruttopuiston nurkalle, jossa seisoi tummia värejä roikuttava, lähes täysi vaaterekki. Pysähdyin katsomaan nilkkamittaista, kirkkaan vihreää Arolan vintagemekkoa, ja sivusilmällä huomasin Vuokon ruskean villakangastakin ja platinanvärisen rypytetyn pellavamekon. Kaakaonruskean, hätkähdyttävillä origamitaitoksilla varustetun samettitakin bongattuani en meinannut pysyä nahoissani. Ajattelin ensin, etten uskalla edes hintoja kysyä, mutta kysyin sitten kuitenkin, ja onneksi avasin suuni: hinnat olivat varsin kohtuulliset siihen nähden, mitä rumista ja likaisista 80-luvun Vuokon mekoista saa Fidassa nykyisin maksaa. Kävi ilmi, että vaatteet olivat kuuluneet myyjän anopille, joka oli kokeilunhaluinen, mielenkiintoinen, modernisti pukeutuva, oman tyylinsä löytänyt nainen. Jäi epäselväksi, mitä naiselle oli käynyt, mutta joka tapauksessa hänen vaatteilleen etsittiin uutta kotia. Minä sovitin, ja myyjä ja Chris toimivat makutuomareina. Session päätteeksi ojensin myyjälle 55 euroa kahdesta takista ja yhdestä mekosta. Myyjä katsoi silmiin ja sanoi, että oli onnellinen siitä, että vaatteet tulevat niitä oikeasti arvostavalle ihmiselle. Että ne pääsevät arvoiseensa kotiin. 

Sitä kai tällä postauksella yritän sanoa, että kaikilla ja kaikella on tarinansa. Polkumme ovat moninaiset ja oudot, vuodet opettavat sitä sun tätä, milloin mitäkin. Minne lopulta päädymme: toivottavasti sinne, missä arvostamme itseämme ja missä meitä arvostetaan, sellaisina kuin olemme.

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I've come across a lot of talk about networking recently. You've heard it too, I'm sure: "it's all about who you know", "random new acquaintances can help you land your dream job", "be a part of something bigger", "there is strength in numbers", "you are no one if you are not on LinkedIn", "make yourself into a brand", etc. I find network-talk a little distressing: needless to say, I am not really a networking type of person. I'm somewhat of a private person, I like to spend time on my own, I have trouble keeping up with other people - even if they are old, cherished friends. I don't have a whole lot of social media contacts and I don't know how to take advantage of the people I know. I feel bad even if I have to ask a good friend for help, let alone a semi-stranger.


Sometimes I feel like I'm keeping the world at an arm's length. I toil with my own little projects and I have very little interest in putting my knowledge or skills "out there". In a way, I often feel like my skills aren't really all that special or that they don't have much value to the outside world. I don't think I'm much of a professional or an expert on anything. My CV is a jumbled mess of random jobs and an oddball education, and every time I land a job, I can't believe that they actually chose me over someone else. This all came back to me again, when a few days ago a colleague asked me to read and critique her school assignment, and after I took a look at her work and made a few suggestions, she told me how much she appreciated my help, my opinion and my knowledge on the subject matter. I found myself a little startled, but then realized that yes, I know things. I am good at things. I just don't know which way to go with what I know most times.

For the past couple of years I've struggled with various search-of-self-related questions: who am I, where am I going, what do I want to do? I'll be turning 40 in less than two years, and I often have a feeling that I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. Then I console myself: give any 40-year-old a few glasses of wine, and voilá, it begins: talk of missed opportunities, love, fate, the mysteries of life: who we wanted to be, what we've become, what is still possible. I often feel like I'm an outsider to the world, but moments like those... I know I'm not alone. I experienced this first hand last Saturday when I had dinner with a bunch of old school friends whom I hadn't seen in years. Boy, have we lived. The strangest things have happened to all of us: some things we had planned, others we hadn't. We have all had our fair share of happiness and grief, burdens to bear and things that make us tick. Every single one of us, on our own path. Moments like that make me trust life. It's all a bit nutty, really, but that's what it's supposed to be.

I like small encounters with people. It was Cleaning Day (when towns turn into massive street flea markets in Finland) and as the event was slowing down and people had already started to pack up, Chris and I passed a rack of heavy-looking, dark clothes. I stopped to look at a bright green woolen vintage maxi-dress, but soon noticed a brown wool coat by Vuokko, a forever-favorite of mine when it comes to Finnish clothing design. Next to it I noticed a crinkled platinum-shade linen dress by the same brand, and by the time I saw a rich cocoa-brown velvet jacket with huge origami-type pleating on the shoulders... I was pretty much trembling. Really interesting Vuokko pieces are typically hard to find and very expensive: the occasional time one manages to find Vuokko at a charity store, you might have to pay 50 euros for an unwashed, possibly even stained, screaming-of-the-1980s ugly cotton dress. This seller knew what she had, but her prices were very reasonable: 20 euros for the coat and the jacket, 15 for the dress. As I tried on the pieces one at a time, the seller told me that they used to belong to her mother-in-law, who was a very modern, well-dressed woman back in the day. She had had style. I don't know what had happened to the lady, but her daugher-in-law was trying to find a new home for the clothes. It looked like the process wasn't exactly easy for her. As I handed the seller 55 euros for three amazing Vuokko pieces, she looked me in the eye and said that it make her so happy that the new owner of the clothes clearly appreciated them, that they had found a good home.


I guess what I'm trying to say with this post is: everyone and everything has a story to tell. Our paths are strange and unknown, we learn things over the years, of ourselves, of others. Moments in time, with people, without people. And where we end up: hopefully somewhere where we are appreciated and where we appreciate ourselves, just the way we are. 

7 comments:

  1. Loved reading this Tiia. You are very inspiring! Cleaning Day sounds amazing. Well done on finding your treasure 😀

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  2. It's uncanny how much I relate to what you say. "I toil with my own little projects and I have very little interest in putting my knowledge or skills "out there". In a way, I often feel like my skills aren't really all that special or that they don't have much value to the outside world." Oh my god, yes! Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more to put my ideas and projects out in the world, that my hesitance is holding me back from my "true calling" or the path I "should" be on, but in the end I just sort of want to do what I like without some kind of hustle or salesmanship behind it. The idea of making myself into a brand is very unappealing to me. Sometimes people ask me about, say, gardening and I can help, but that doesn't really make a whole life or career or whatever. It's just part of who I am. As I near age 40 myself, I am trying to worry less about where I should be in life and not look so far into the future, but sometimes I still do.

    Thank you for sharing this post - it made me feel less alone.

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    1. I seem to recall that we've meshed on the subject before, too, and these are the types of moments when I realize how amazing blogging is. You connect with almost-strangers over the years, and find common ground on a myriad of topics, and as a result, find like-minded people. You've been a reader for a long time, and every time I see a comment from you, I think of you as a friend, someone whose kind words I can always trust. :)

      I try to worry less, too, about where I should be tomorrow or the day after. Today is really what matters, but sometimes it's hard!

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    2. Oh my gosh - I just saw this and I am so moved! I feel the same, lovely lady!

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  3. As long as you can accept a sincere thank-you gracefully, it's good. I find it somewhat irritating when people badmouth themselves after getting a compliment – like they are telling *me* that *I* can't recognize what's good and what's not. Insulting my intelligence, even. Although i know it's usually very much result of Finnish upbringing and I've had trouble getting out of the habit myself...

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    1. Indeed, self-deprecation is a thoroughly Finnish attribute, and I guess there is a fine line between it and modesty. I guess a lot of us are raised thinking that it's not polite to toot one's own horn. Sometimes I feel that for me, it goes deeper than that - I have a world of trouble seeing myself as a part of a bigger whole. I can accept a thank-you, but I guess thanking myself is something I have to work on. :)

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